Hippodromes: The Chronicles of Harry Potter
by Sea Monkies and Pseudo Science
Summary: The exciting chronicles of the world of Harry Potter. In other words, a sorry attempt for good writing.
1. Default Chapter

Unnecessary Disclaimer: Have you noticed how writing disclaimers has basically become a competition between writers to see who can make the most painfully long and tedious one possible? Well, since that has become so popular among FF writers, I decided I'd try it out mysef. 

Ahem.

Waring-this is ONLY a simulation 

I do not own Harry Potter because I live on a small cow farm in the Yukon where we have no access to paper or Ink, so of course it would be impossible for me to have been able to write anything out here, yet alone a Harry Potter trilogy. So please don't sue me because I have a hole in my pocket where all my money fell out of the other week while I was on my way to the supermarket to buy cheese for my mother. My mom's name is actually Petunia, isn't that funny? It's kind of like Aunt Petunia, but not! HAHAHA…so funny. Anyways don't sue me or else I'll higher a lawyer and a Bounty Hunter to attack you both physically and financially. Oh wait, I forgot, I don't have any money so pay them with…I don't own Harry Potter! (Looks down at feet and sees a quarter) QUARTER! (Jumps down and eats it) Damn it I always do that.

End of Simulation 

And yes, I have indeed seen disclaimers as complicated as these…Okay…MOVING ON!

Hippodromes: The Chronicles of Harry Potter Chapter one ~ Eggs 

****

Voldemort woke up from his trance like evil sleep and looked in his fridge…He hadn't gone grocery shopping for a while.

"Hmm…what shall I consume today?" he thought allowed. "Ahh, I know…eeegggs."

Voldemort looked in the dairy compartment.

No eggs.

"NO!!!!!," he cried with utter despair. "Now I am angry, what shall I do? I know I will kill Harry Potter," So Voldemort ran out his front door and hopped in his Pinto. But first he had his daily target practice with his pet cat and all the neighborhood dogs.

Voldemort drove out of his evil cave of darkness and turned onto the main street. (Insert cheesy Bing Crosby music)

Pineapples.

Meanwhile…

Harry was systematically beating up his cousin Dudley who had been trying to murder Harry in his sleep with a toothbrush and an eraser that was stuck inside a DVD player.

"Take that-and that!" Harry shouted triumphantly, "I knew you would try to kill me tonight! What else would you be doing with a toothbrush, and an eraser taped to a DVD player??"

Dudley took a while to piece together all of the words that were spoken, since he was hopelessly unintelligent and had been raised by a pack of wolves that lived under a rock in the Dursley's front yard.

He responded, "Umm, brushing my teeth and erasing marks on my ass….while watching Breakfast at Tiffany's."

Akward silence.

"Don't say that again Dudley… It's kind of creepy."

"Okey doke."

With that Harry chucked Dudley out his bedroom window and went down stairs to make a vitamin drink. On his way down stairs he ran into his purple uncle.

Uncle Vernon immediately began yelling for no apparent reason. "HARRY WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING???"

"I don't need to think…I know all." Harry then began pacing back and forth in front of an armchair. 

"YOU DO NOT BOY!" Vernon was _mad._

"Yes I do."

"NO YOU DON'T."

"Want to go to the mall?"

"OKAY."

The two then scampered off into the garage, where Vernon momentarily tripped over his own fat, and got into the family car. Although Vernon made Harry sit in the trunk.

Meanwhile…

Hermione was reading some book that smart people read.

She sighed, "I am sickeningly intelligent," she said to her (evil) cat Crookshanks who was killing various cute fuzzy animals in the front yard. 

Hermione then put down her enormous book and said, "I think I would fancy a walk in the…….PSYCHIATRIC WARD!"

With that Hermione grabbed her (evil) cat and absurdly large pile of books which had titles you couldn't pronounce…because Hermione is smart and you are not.

While she walked down the sidewalk she saw a large child being launched into the atmosphere through Harry's window.

Hermione stared…

Then kept walking.

Meanwhile…

Draco was getting ready for some imaginary date that he had fabricated in his mind.

I am swelteringly H. O. T. he said to himself. He turned to his imaginary date and said sexily…

"Lets go buy some fried shrimp" _Ooooh ya, _he said to himself,_ I am so sexy._

Meanwhile…

Lupin's ass spontaneously combusted. 

Damn it he thought, not again. 

Over his head Dudley entered the earth's atmosphere and learned to speak Swedish.

~ O ~ O ~

"Oh damn, there aren't any Grocery Stores open," said Voldemort who was still looking for eeeeggs and thinking of evil ways to maim Harry Potter.

Then for some unknown reason all the characters appeared in one spot together in the center of a water fountain with a naked man spitting water at a fish.

"How did this happen???" shouted Harry…"I did not foresee this….WAH!"

"Harry don't beat yourself up about it," said Hermione, "No one ever expected you to figure out how to tie your shoes…We certainly didn't expect you to be able to see into the future."

Silence.

"…Shut up Hermione," Harry responded while launching himself into space to beat up Dudley as a way to release his hostility.

"Hey there Hermione," said Draco in a poor attempt to woo her, "I have 6% body fat."

He then followed up on that statement by flexing and having his shirt pop off.

"That is disturbing," said Ron.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?" shouted Vernon…since he shouted even when he _wasn't_ mad.

"I don't know…I was just trying to figure out if I was gay or not by taking a stroll in a man hole and then all of a sudden I was behind Draco's ass….and now I know."

Silence.

Draco shifts uncomfortably.

"*cough cough*, Um well that was interesting," stated Lupin who walked his back up against a wall so Ron couldn't stare at his spontaneously combusting ass.

"Shut up Lupin! Your ass is on fire!" Ron argued back…poorly.

"Really, I hadn't noticed," Lupin responded sarcastically.

Hermione looked dumbfounded, "You really didn't notice Professor?"

**cricket cricket**

"Um…just kidding," she lied.

Harry broke the silence as usual.

"This is all Voldemorts doing!" shouted Harry who was now reentering Earth's atmosphere with Dudley's underpants on his head, "I need armchairs so that I can pace in front of them!"

They all looked around for arm chairs and realized they had been in a living room the whole time.

"That's weird…said Hermione's (evil) cat, "Why is there a water fountain of a naked man spitting at a fish in this living room?"

Crookshanks immediately disappears from the story because the author was in fear that the (evil) cat would give away her poor skills as a writer.

Hermione screeched her disapproval but then shortly forgot and began reading one of her absurdly large books about Tropical fish.

And that's how babies are made.

End of First Chapter of the Chronicles of Harry Potter. 

By the way, I don't live on a cow farm in the Yukon, my mom's name isn't Petunia, and I don't eat quarters (often…that is)


	2. Volume 2

That's right suckas we're back, even though you don't want us to be! Woohoo!

Hippodromes Volume 2

Harry was walking in a park when suddenly he spotted Hermione. She was opening a can of tuna fish.

Harry wanted some tuna fish so he asked if he could have some.

Hermione sad no. Harrry was sad.

We are all sad.

Ron stopped by and passionately kissed Hermione.

She gave him some tuna fish and he left.

Harry followed and punched him.

They aren't friends anymore.

Draco owns a chicken franchise.

He sells it in cans. Hermione gave him some tuna fish.

He was happy.

She was happy.

Harry wasn't happy.

Voldemort arrived in a flash of smoke.

He kicked Hermione in the knee. So she gave him some tuna fish.

Harry killed him.

We win.

The End


End file.
